I Am Nothing

I Am Nothing

by Kacie Brockman

Who am I?

Well the answer is a paradox of sorts. I am noone, and yet, I am everyone. I am nothing special, and yet, I am everything special. I belong nowhere, and yet, I belong everywhere.

I have nothing,

I need nothing.

Therefore, I have everything.

I am someone that got “IT.”

What is “IT”?

The BIG PICTURE.

“IT” is the moment I realized that by becoming nothing…I became everything.

“IT” had to occur in order for my soul, my spirit, my mind and my life to soar free….free from fear, expectations, perceptions and all judgements placed upon me by others, and by…myself.

How did I finally get “IT?”

I had to let go, surrender, and release whoever, wherever, whatever, and why ever it was that I was seeking to destroy myself at all cost. The reasons no longer mattered. All that mattered was that I drop the past…the resentments, the mistrust, the memories, the pain, the heartache, the anger, the resentments, the need to be right, to be heard, to be believed.

All that mattered was that I drop the future, for IT DOES NOT EXIST…rather…always and only in our minds.

Once I was able to let go…what began as a light breeze quickened….becoming a strong wind that is carrying me…this once flightless, earthbound creature is now being carried by the sheer magnitude of the wind itself…this once chained and shackled being is now soaring above all worry, doubt, guilt, fear and shame. These things are no longer mine to carry…they are no longer anchors to my soul…for they were never belonged to me in the first place.

Once I opened my window of willingness, this caged bird realized she could fly.

And fly away she did, from the insanity, the madness, the terror that stalked her by day and reached around her throat in the pitch black darkness of nearly every 3 a.m. hour. Vanishing into nothing more than an illusion, smoke and mirrors or quite simply, the biggest lie she ever bought.

“But we’ve heard this song and dance before.” they say.

“She’s relapsed, again,” they whisper.

“We’ll see…,” they mutter.

My “oh so diplomatic and business attire only” response to those who continue to gossip about a child of God fighting for her life?

I may fall down 7 times, but I get the fuck back up 8.

Finnigan Begin AGAIN!

AND AGAIN!

And in my mind still, I hear the distant echo of a Sergeant commanding his soldier, (or my father’s voice shouting from the great beyond to me….his one tin soldier….)

“Oh, I’m sorry…you fell down again?….

UP.

Stumbled again, did we?

Up.

Down…again.

Up.

How many times yo Mama have to push to get you here? HOW MANY?

UP!!!!

Down.

MERCY? YOU WANT MERCY? YOU GIVE YOUR MAMA ANY MERCY WHEN SHE COULDN’T PUSH ANYMORE? DID YOU? SO WHAT HAPPENED??? SHE FUCKING PUSHED YOUR ASS OUT INTO THIS WORLD WHEN SHE HAD NOTHING…DO YOU HEAR ME? SHE HAD NOTHING LEFT…SHE FUCKING PUSHED! NOW YOU GET UP AND DON’T YOU DARE MAKE YOUR MAMA BURY YOU!!! DON’T YOU DARE!!! UP!

Leave NO MAN BEHIND!

UP.

NO MAN!

I’m sorry…you’re tired?

THEN. STOP. PICKING. UP. THE. DOPE.

LET’S GO. UP. GO. UP. GO. FALL AGAIN??? SO WHAT? UP! UP!

WHAT PART OF NO MAN LEFT BEHIND DO YOU NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND?!?

BACK UP!

UP!


And one day…one, Oh my Father God, GLORIOUS day…

I.

Broke.

Down.

And surrendered.

To you?

No.

To society?

No.

To “man’s law?”

No.

I broke down, to the very ground I fell, weeping.

And I surrendered on MY KNEES,

before MY GOD,

because MY GOD

LEAVES.

NO.

MAN.

BEHIND.

AND THAT IS HOW I BECAME EVERYTHING….

BY BECOMING…

NOTHING.


Today, I wake up to love,

Rather than to be loved.

41 days.

~ Kacie Brockman

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