15 Days

15 Days

Ok…here goes nothing…

Quitting Meth, after nearly 1 year of daily use. This was a year long relapse.
Things I have said or screamed in my head 
over the course of the last 15 days:


Days 1-2 *sigh*

Ok…well it’s gone. 

I’m gonna be just fine.

It might hurt a minute,

Not gonna lie.


*Reassuring thoughts to self on eve of day three*

It’s gonna be ok.

Body and bones weary, yet still fighting sleep

Beginning to pray,

With pathetic promises,

I’m scared I’ll never keep.


Then…Day 3
*Tension and temper beginning to rise*

Fuck.

No…but seriously.

Fuck this. I feel like shit.

I’ve changed my mind.

There’s no way I can quit.

Now come days four through nine.
*screaming*

I HATE YOU, I HATE THIS!

Please bring it. I promise, just one more time.

CAN’T YOU FUCKING SEE?!?

I’VE CHANGED MY GODDAMN MIND!

PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!

WHERE ARE YOU GOD?

THIS ISN’T FAIR!

*PANIC CREATES IN ME A BEGGAR, AS IF PLEADING FOR AIR*

I NEEDED MORE TIME!

PLEASE FUCKING JUST HIT REWIND!

I DON’T WANT THIS!

I WANT THE MEMORIES TO STOP!

I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!!!

FUCK I HATE YOU GOD!

WHERE.

THE.

FUCK.

ARE.

YOU?

I WANT TO DIE.
*took too many pills…but woke up* another failed suicidal try.

BUT WHY????

PEOPLE ARE DYING THAT WANT TO LIVE!!! WHY DO YOU MAKE ME LIVE WHEN I WANT TO DIE?!?

Days ten through thirteen

Mind is breaking-

Body fighting to get clean.

Soul is aching

Words vomit from me, shrieking,

vile, cold and mean.

So brittle these emotions,

Bleeding and raw,

C’mon, someone pick up, answer my call.

The back of this camel can’t take anymore straw.

GOD WHERE ARE YOU?

GOD!!!

GOD!!!

FUCK I NEED YOUR HELP!

CANT YOU SEE ME???

CRYING, CRAVING, CRAWLING

I’M RIGHT HERE! ALONE HERE IN HELL!

*Still screaming*

FOR THEM???,

FOR YOU???

No??

THEN WHY? 

WHY DO THEY ALL CONTINUE TO LIE?

WHY?

WHY CAN’T I DIE?

JUST, FUCK PLEASE GOD!

AT LEAST LET ME HIDE!


*sobbing* 

please…?

God help me.

Please God.

..please…

I cant do this anymore.

I fall to my knees.

I can’t. 

 Help me God.

Not another day…

Isn’t there any other possible way?

I cannot do this. 


*With mascara stained memories painted down my face, memories of nightmares I can NEVER erase. A faint whisper just barely escapes, “i can’t do this…all out of luck,” and there away flew, an echo so silent , of my last flying, “Fuck.”*
……

*Slumber finally broken, I’m starving for bacon.*

Fine.

I give up.

I surrender.

You all fucking win.

Goodbye to you, Shit.

My once-upon-a-time “savior”,

My imaginary “friend.”

And this was just yesterday.. 

It finally 
Let 
The 
Fuck 
Go.
Day 15…Clean…serene…I think I might be…no, 
Oh my God…maybe…could this mean maybe….Free?

Free.

Yes. Free.
I’m finally free?

A hiccup or two more fucks possibly,

but…
Oh my God.

Yes. I feel it.

Free.


Thank you God!
I’m finally me?

Me.

Who just 15 days ago,

was just too terrified to be.

“Only”

15 days

ago.

Anonymous


This is my truth. I’m on day 15.  

In 10 minutes exactly, I’ll have 16.

But if I gave you my name?

I would lose it all.

Every. Single.

Thing.

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