It’s All About Me

Freeze time and space-everything happens all at once within microseconds and yet, simultaneously everything happens sequentially as in a stop motion picture – everything moving frame by frame within my awareness.

The sound of the crash and the bone chilling echoes of shattering glass, car still rolling and yet she remembers…

Shit-forgot to take out the trash.

But please don’t misunderstand, it’s all about me, so please won’t you come hold my cold bloody hands.

Now you must always remember and don’t you ever forget, It’s all about me, on that you can bet.

Alone now. Waiting. Do I back up? I’ll just back up. Try starting the engine. It starts. Okay, everything’s okay, car started. Lil Man – Okay? Yeah, he’s okay. I’m okay. Hear voices yelling- they are yelling- something must not be okay. “Shut off the engine!” I say, “No, no, I’m just gonna back out, it’s okay.” Turning to look around to back up, I see all the glass, so much glass. There were no windows anywhere. A man is trying to open lil Mans door…He screams again at me. “Now! SHUT IT OFF NOW! It’s leaking and there’s smoke!” I turn the key off. My door won’t open- now I’m confused.”

Open your eyes and maybe you’ll see. My entire life, raising you precious three…It always has been all about me? How foolish of me to forget. How in heaven did I not see this appalling and illusive mystery.

Two women are running toward us now…I’m now beginning to grasp that everything is in fact definitely NOT okay. I try my door-Stuck…can’t get out… so I scream, “Get him! Get him out! Is he okay?” The paramedics arrived literally within seconds, and came to my door first, I was screaming, “No!…Not me! Get him!”

But it’s all about me. You must understand. I can’t get the door open when it’s jammed and with shards of glass stuck in my hands.

But it’s all about me.

My eyes, my every single heartbeat, my every shallow breath, are completely fixated upon him. Making sure that he is not left alone. Making sure that he is being held and taken care of by them. So that I can bring him back home.

( The three separate strangers who saw what happened and stopped and sat with my child until the firefighters could get me out of the car)

Oh! Did I mention? …It’s All About Me? Just in case I didn’t, you must hear my plea. It’s all about me…you must truly know. This is all about me, and this is my show. Or so I’ve just recently been told.

To those three strangers, my God thank you for sitting in the dirt and holding his little hand.

Thank you for stopping just so you understand.

Four firemen running to us

…still stuck in the car. Baby boy sitting on the grass crying and I scream, leave me be. Go check on my boy, my crying baby. So three run to him and one stays with me. Because oh yes my loves….It’s all about me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Flashback** 26 years ago, changing diapers, feeding baby girl in the middle of the night, nightmares and migraines, singing lullabies in the pale moonlight…(Angel Eyes ~ Ace of Base) loving you for every minute, my heart-my-soul, held captive by your face-

Stomp on it right now if you must, but my love is forever, for always and that you can trust. Even if it should be a one-way Street. Everyday I will pray that our paths will once again meet.

Cleaning your house, doing your dishes, watching the babies, cleaning up their messes…. storing your belongings inside my house, storing every single beautiful memory tucked away in her heart like a tiny precious mouse.

My child and I, we spoke today, because you were on speaker and he heard every word that you had to say. And you know what he said? He said, ” You don’t ever talk to my mommy that way! No matter what you just don’t.”

However in an instant it became a combat zone…but then I had to realize once again…It’s all about me. Can’t you see? Can you understand? When all I wanted, was for someone to hold my hand. Funny thing is… It took a nine year boy to become a man and to help his mother to finally stand.

See it’s not all about me, and it never has been. I’m so sorry but you are mistaken. Its’s about my fighter, my survivor, my brave little man. We, together, but alone, will do the best that we can.”

Kacie Brockman

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